Sunflower

Getting Out of the Fog

In my blog on entitled The Fog, I talked about how goals in my life had been very difficult to set as I didn't know where I was going and what I should be doing. I remember a sort of confusion that I had, existing every day. Life was pretty good, but there was nothing outstanding. And in fact, although parts of my life were very good, the whole life wasn't satisfying.

I think that to live a happy life, everything needs to be going well. Having financial wealth without friends, or being physically attractive and hating your job don't constitute a happy life. It's a given that we must work within a framework that we were born with. So I will never look like Brad Pitt and I will never run like Carl Lewis. But I could look make my body like Arnold Schwarzenegger's and I could become an astronaut or a doctor or a physicist or Prime Minister.

I accept that I will never run 100m in under ten seconds, and I accept that I don't look like Brad Pitt, but even if I could do that or did look like him, it wouldn't make me any happier than I am now.

Becoming someone else or having what someone else has will not make you any happier than you are now. Having what you want and being who you can be is what will make you happy.

When I was in my "fog" I knew that although nothing was badly wrong, I wasn't doing what I should be doing. My home life was good, in that I was happily married. Financially we were okay. I had a house, good equity positions in a couple of rental properties and money in the bank. Yet I knew that my life meant more than that. If I had suddenly earned a 50% pay increase at work, or been given my dream Porsche, or tickets for a six month trip around the world, that all would have been good, but it wouldn't have made my life happier for the long-term.

So in my fog I just plodded along day after day not knowing what I should do next. I have always been one to set goals and I must admit that for a couple of years I didn't set any, mostly because I didn't know what I should set.

As I look back on that today, I see how much the "fog" is lifting from my sights and I see a future beckoning.

In the past couple of weeks there have been a series of events that have changed my outlook and I see a way through to where I want to go. And although very little has changed, the fact that I can see a way forward that I'm happy with, makes me feel happier. I can see that I'm attracting some of the "good stuff" I've been looking for.

What's most interesting about these new opportunities, is that both of them were unexpected generous "gifts" from two different, totally unrelated people. When we look back at events in our life we can see that it takes unexpected situations to arise that change the course we're on.

I may look back on January 2007 as the turning point in my life. A month that will set up my future for the next thirty years. Even if it doesn't turn out to be the month, I know that at least it is the start of a major shift for me, which may take a year or so to develop, but somehow, I know it will happen.

An analogy I heard was that life is like driving at night. We can reach our destination a thousand kilometres away, even though we can only see the next hundred metres, because we only need to see the next hundred metres.

We should rest assured that our life's path is there for us to traverse, but we have to take each step, one at a time.

Worries

I used to be someone who worried about stuff. Whether it was my up-coming exams or a spelling test, a job interview or a date, I worried about the outcome. Even though I realized that worry wouldn't make my situation any better, I continued to worry. I used to get knots in my stomach, I lost my appetite, and I would get anxious.

Then one day I thought, "What is the point of all this worry? It isn't getting me anywhere." So I thought about the problem I had, a test at school, for example and thought, "If I score poorly on this test, will anyone care about it in ten years? Will it change my life forever?" As the answer was "no" to both questions, I realised that there was little point in continuing to stress over that and get on with either learning for the test, or something else that would be productive.

In other situations I looked at worst-case scenarios and calculated the likelihood of that situation actually arising. Generally the chance was minuscule. So I looked at the most-likely bad outcome and decided how bad that would really be... usually not that bad. I realized that even the most-likely bad outcome isn't worth worrying about, and it's also quite likely that a far better outcome will eventuate, so I was able to proceed.

One of the pinnacles of worry in my life, which brought me literally to tears in the street was when I lost my job in London after just one day due to visa issues. After being escorted out of the building at lunchtime without any kind of severance pay, I was on my own. Without a job, and with prospects dim, due to the pending federal election, and it being the end of the financial year, my days in London looked numbered. Where everything had been going along so well, it had suddenly turned to dust.

I remember going back to the room I was renting wondering what I was going to do. I decided that "it's not what happens to you that determines your life, it's how you react to what happens, that makes your life."

Rather than deciding all was lost, I looked at the reality. I calculated how much money I had, and how long it would last. I figured on about six weeks, before I would need to take an emergency job. I looked at the worst case scenario, which was to take a poorly paying bar job until something better came around. Others before me had done it and survived, so I certainly could.

Then, rather than wallowing in my misfortune I set about doing anything and everything I could to make it better. I went on a rampage of calling all employment agencies and companies, applying for anything and everything... until I landed the dream job of Contiki Tour Manager.

Until that time, a worry that I had lived with, and to a degree, still live with is the prospect of being unemployed long-term. Growing up my parents both had secure government jobs and the security of what they had was important to them, and it became important to me. Although I never wanted to work in the public service I did still crave that steady pay cheque.

So leaving Australia for England, without any work set up for me was outside my comfort zone, but at least I was prepared for it. Losing my job unexpectedly like I did, threw me right in at the deep end. When faced with a sink or swim outcome, I decided that a few deep and calming breaths together with some logic would keep me above the waterline. I took on the challenge rather than let it consume me, and I came out stronger at the other end.

We worry in our lives because we think about what hasn't happened and what probably will never happen, but we also worry because we think that circumstances haven't turned out the way they were meant to. But since we don't know how it's all supposed to turn out, we can't know whether what's happened is good or bad for us in the long run.

Losing that job seemed like the most terrible thing, but it was an unbelievable blessing because it had me applying for jobs I never would have applied for and sent me on an amazing adventure that I continue to live.

People often talk about "blessings in disguise" and a lot of what happens in our lives is like that. If we are to live a life that is inspired, we have to allow ourselves to go with the flow, not worry about the outcomes and realize that just because we don't think something is turning out for the best, doesn't mean it's not the "blessing in disguise."

Ask a person in their eighties about how their life turned out, compared with how they might have imagined it when they were twenty. For all the Europeans, who fled their homeland during World War II, and settled on another continent, the path their lives took would be unimaginable as a young adult in the 1930s.

Life takes it turns, and after every "disaster" or "catastrophe" a new life path emerges. A path full of new and different opportunities, and certainly a life worth living.

Brown Nude

Who are John Mather, George Smoot, Roger Kornberg...

Who are John Mather, George Smoot, Roger Kornberg, Andrew Fire, Craig Mello, Orhan Pamuk, Muhammad Yunus, Grameen Bank, Edmund Phelps? Anyone?

No idea? Not even who one of those people might be? Really? Well, I had no clue either, sadly.

This is the list of 2006 Nobel Prize winners... pretty significant people, when you think that the list includes the likes of Albert Einstein, Marie Curie, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King, Mikhail Gorbachev and Rudyard Kipling to name a few of the historic ones the average person has heard of. These people are doing something positive for the world, and yet there are many whose names on the long list of prize recipients are merely names.

What about Dr. Charles Nicolle (1866-1936) a French bacteriologist who earned the 1928 Nobel Prize in Medicine for his identification of lice as the transmitter of epidemic typhus?

Then there's Cordell Hull (1871-1955), the longest-serving U.S. Secretary of State in the Administration of President Franklin D. Roosevelt. Hull received the Nobel Peace Prize in 1945 for his role in establishing the United Nations, and was referred to by President Roosevelt as the "Father of the UN".

And what about the youngest ever Nobel Prize winner Sir William Lawrence Bragg (1890-1971), born in my hometown Adelaide, and attended University of Adelaide? He shared the 1915 Nobel Prize in Physics with his father for his work on the analysis of crystal structure by means of x-rays.

Amazing, yet unknown people. And I am amazed, actually, that I had never heard of William Bragg, given that he is from Adelaide.

So let me rattle off another list ... Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, David Beckham, Kevin Costner, Beyonce Knowles, Nicole Ritchie, Pamela Anderson, Anna Nicole Smith, Ludacris. I bet almost everyone in the western world knows who these people are, probably know who they're married to, and any previous lovers, not to mention why they are in the news right now. Admittedly these people have talent too, sometimes it's questionable, but still, they're humans like the rest of us. What's sad is that as a race we focus on these people, who really are just average people with average problems that are very public.

The people who make the headlines are the ones who seem to be ones we should be ignoring. The ones who don't make the headlines are the ones who seem to be making a difference.

Some of the people who have made big positive impacts in many people's lives like Dale Carnegie and Anthony Robbins learned by reading the biographies of successful people... like Ghandi, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr, Mother Teresa to mention a few. These are people who inspired others to greatness and led by example.

Leading by example is the hardest thing of all, especially with a lack of public figures who do lead by example. It seems the ones who do live quiet lives, and few know of their existence.

We owe it to ourselves to learn about the great people of history. Learn from their triumphs and failures. Learn that there is far more opportunity that awaits us, if only we were to scratch the surface. As a population we spend so much time focused on the miserable lives of celebrities and the neglect we have for our own lives means that they end up mirroring the sadness celebrities face.

Take on this day as though it could be your last. Follow in the steps of greatness and move life forward. You'll never look back!

Giving Up To Get...

Life is about giving and getting, and I'm not referring to Christmas time. In everything we do we give and get, and there are trade-offs. If we want to get more money, in general we have to give up more time. If we want to get a new hobby, we may have to give up and old one. You get the idea.

What's interesting though, is how much more people are willing to give up now, than they were thirty or forty years ago. Now I can hear you saying that our standard of living is so much better now than it was in the fifties and sixties. I think every Generation X'er, born to immigrant parents must have heard the same stories of how Mum or Dad had to walk barefoot through snow to get to school... or took their shoes off when walking to school so as to not wear them out... or having the dream of one day owning a bought bicycle (one not put together from a collection of junk pieces). At some stage we've all heard these bleeding heart stories, but people weren't giving anything up to live like that - they had no choice. There weren't riches like we have now. My grandfather remembers when they used to add sawdust to the bread to give it volume. Now, I'd never even have considered that as an option, but they didn't consider it then because sawdust tastes good, they simply had no better option.

So thirty of forty years ago when the people looked forward to a future with factory automation, labour-saving appliances and computer technology that would all reduce the amount of work required, it's interesting to note that in the last twenty years the number of hours worked in North America has increased.

It's interesting that as a society we are now unable to afford proper health care, but how could we afford it twenty years ago when we were earning so much less. Where has all the money gone?

It goes to The Brick, Home Depot, Ikea, Nike, General Motors, McDonalds, Banana Republic, Nokia, Sony, The Body Shop and the list could go on almost forever. People these days spend so much more on personal items, and the race to keep up with the Joneses is faster and more furious than ever before. People are caught up in a spending frenzy, now with everything at 0% finance rates, don't pay 'till 2016, and other selling strategies.

All in the name of achieving happiness. But where does all this get us. We've given up so much of our spare time to work longer hours to afford all this stuff. We're chronically in debt to keep up appearances. The emergence of forty-year home mortgages is a further sign, that although we have all this money we still can't afford the essentials like good health care and a roof over our heads.

And then, does it make us any happier? With drug use on the increase, suicide a worsening problem, and the huge number of people on anti-depressants you'd have to say we aren't.

Happiness, you can see by looking at unhappy rich people, doesn't come from owning stuff, and one-upping the Joneses. True happiness comes from having good friends and loved ones, it comes from real satisfaction and meaning. True happiness can't be bought or owned or bestowed on you in the form of a title. True happiness comes from within.

Don't give up the important things in life for money and status. It isn't worth it.

Trust

Trust is one of those intangibles that has so much value. The reason Nike and Toyota have such powerful brands is because we trust them. The reason Oprah Winfrey has so much power is because we trust her. The reason successful people become successful is because they trust others and others trust them.

Trust is amazing, because it is so powerful yet it cannot be bought, only earned. I grew up trusting people unless they gave me reason not to trust them, and this has served me well over time. A couple of times I have been burned, but in general, trusting others has allowed me to become closer to people more quickly, which in the end helps us all.

So what happens if you get burned really badly by someone you trust? Does that mean you should never trust anyone ever again?

No. I think it means you should treat that person with extreme caution and probably not trust them, but also look at their traits and see if there's something that gives their personality away, which might indicate why they broke the trust.

This would also give you a clue as to why others might be untrustworthy. This doesn't mean that if one untrustworthy person smiles, all smilers are untrustworthy.

We need to look deeper to the motivations of people and see why they do things.

Why do people cheat? Why do people lie? Why do people back out at the last minute? Why do people steal ideas?

A big reason is insecurity or fear. I've heard many times that fear is the motivator of 95% of our actions, and this would include actions that lack integrity. Everyone knows that in the long run "honesty is the best policy", so if someone sane decides to go against that they are doing it out of desperation. It's easier to do something right the first time, and not worry about consequences than cut corners or misrepresent yourself for the sake of a short-term gain, knowing that in the long-term it might catch up on you.

The key is to look for integrity. If someone has integrity then they can be trusted. Sure almost everyone has something in them that might mean they leave work early without saying or not declare incorrect change at the shop when it's in their favour. These aren't honest actions, but they've almost become an acceptable bending of the rules in our society. The value of the cheating is seen to be so small that it has become ignored.

But dishonesty that does affect people, like letting people down, not following through on promises, keeping secrets, gossipping indicate a lack of integrity and give reason not to trust.

So it's those people that you can choose to not spend time with, because being with them doesn't enrich, it diminishes your life force and life quality.

If you choose to surround yourself with untrustworthy people or you simply don't trust the good people around you, what's the penalty? You'd end up living in an unhappy world. A world in which people are out to get you and a place where nothing's safe.

When a horse rider falls off a horse, the first thing they do is make them get right back on. The bad experience is erased by a good experience. If not it could fester and become a phobia that is very difficult to overcome. The last thing a rider needs is a phobia of horses.

Most people in this world are good, and many can be trusted. I always think that no one can hurt me with me. What I mean by that is that you can't hurt me by saying something mean about me or my likes or who I am, because that's who I am, like it or not. The kids phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me." is true even as an adult. The name calling is different, but it's the same concept.

So what I'm saying in all of this is that trust the people who deserve it. Surround yourself with trustworthy people and be one yourself, and the world will be a friendly happy place for you.

Life Changes Suddenly

I've always been envious of those people who say "Yeah, it's all happened really quickly," when referring to how their mundane, unfulfilled life turned upside down and suddenly they are living their dream. I always looked at their tumultuous life that emerged with a silver lining and wondered why mine couldn't have the same outcome. But on the other side of the coin I know the same people look at my life and how seamlessly and easily I've cruised from joy to joy.

It was even very recently that I felt I was cursed with good fortune, because I thought, it is only through disaster that awesome things happen. Cancer survivors turn their lives into a story that affects millions. Obese people wake up one day and decide to get healthy, turning flab into mirror-posing muscle in months, and an example for others to improve their health. An ordinary person nearly gets killed in a landslide and becomes a national hero.

I thought that my life was too comfortable. It's satisfactory, it's easy, but it doesn't energize me like I know it could. And there's no disaster to change my life and turn it upside down, and make it better.

Then I realized that's because it's all going just as it's meant to. If life was on the wrong course then a disaster would strike me to allow me to re-evaluate its meaning, but I'm doing that right now without the disaster.

So I thought about all the people for whom life takes a dramatic and exciting turn, and looked at my own life and realized that although I've felt that it just keeps going on, one day at a time, it has taken many interesting and bizarre turns.

I was 25, living in Australia, in an apartment I owned (well... paid a mortgage on) on the edge of downtown, had an awesome Marketing job downtown, had a great circle of friends and I was growing and learning and making my fortune. Then my girlfriend of nearly five years, M., decided she wanted to go to work for three months in England. I said "Okay, I'll wait for you here." An odd decision for me, now that I look back. Had that happened now, I would have been inclined to pick up and move there with her.

After less than a month I decided to break up with M. and began dating a new girl, N., who at first glance seemed a serious improvement. She was everything I didn't get with M. Unfortunately she also had none of what I loved in M. What was worse, this new girl was like the crab who won't let go of your ankle. I was caught in a trap that I couldn't leave... until I left Australia.

Here was my relatively uneventful life turning around and almost exactly one year after N. and I started dating, I was arriving at Heathrow airport in London. My ex-girlfriend, M., was still there, and was now dating someone else. I wasn't going with the intention of rekindling anything, because even though N. was everything I didn't want, M. didn't have enough of what I did want.

For the first week I slept on the living room floor of M.'s house that she shared with four housemates, before finding a terrible room for rent in a neighbourhood on North London.

After a few weeks of looking, I found a good Marketing contract position working for a large package-holiday travel company, managing a Christmas direct mail campaign. I was earning good money, travelling on weekends and saving lots. Life was good.

When that contract ended I took a permanent position as the European Marketing Manager for an international billboard company, with the understanding that the company would immediately begin the process to sponsor me, since the role was outside my visa limitations. It was all very exciting. I would begin a life of working and living in Europe for the medium to long term.

This all came crashing down on my second day at work when I was expected to fill out a form to get a special pass to go behind secured zones at airports and had to disclose my name, passport number and visa details to a government authority. I knew this would be in contravention of my visa and I had heard of stories of people getting caught out, being deported and having to leave their stuff behind, now with a ten-year restriction on returning. This might also limit my ability to get other working permits in the future, a risk I decided wasn't worth it. So I lost my job. I was escorted out at lunch time by my boss, and never came back.

It was devastating!

I felt sorry for myself for about a day, and then I decided, "it's not what happens to you that determines your life, it's how you react to what happens, that makes your life."

I had no job, and London is not the cheapest place to live without income. I calculated that I had about six weeks worth of savings before I would either need an emergency job, or a flight back to Australia. So I applied for jobs and ended up snagging the Contiki Tour Manager position, just in time.

While travelling Europe and getting paid to do it, I met my future wife and ended up chasing her to Canada.

So, in a span that totals only thirty months I sold my apartment, quit my job, left Australia, travelled in Lithuania and Germany, moved to London, worked in a Marketing job, lost a Marketing job, wrote the first draft of a book (that still needs heavy editing and re-writing), worked as a Tour Manager, travelled western Europe for eight months, met the woman of my dreams, travelled some of eastern Europe, travelled parts of Canada (Ontario, Quebec, BC and Alberta), travelled Australia and New Zealand for three months, moved to Calgary, got a job and got married. Two months after that we bought the home we currently live in.

Even since that period of extreme change, I can show a series of significant changes that have occurred in my life. My point is not just to discuss the experiences of my life, but to make a highlight two things.

If you had told me when I started dating N., the bad girlfriend, that in three years I would be happily married to a Canadian and living and working there, I would have told you to have another drink and give up the drugs. It would have seemed like such a distant and remote possibility in such a short period of time that it couldn't happen, especially to me, Mr Consistency.

So anything in life is possible!

The other point is that it takes me to look back on that part of my life, and indeed my whole life to see that it has been a massive time of growth, change and an evolution of my soul. But it doesn't seem that way, because it has happened one day at a time. If you look at a clock and watch the hour hand move it's very, very gradual. It takes twelve hours to make one lap of the clock, and it seems like it doesn't move at all. But if you break it down into minutes or seconds, and watch those hands you can see that it is moving, actually quite quickly.

The same is with life. We live each day and notice very little change, because we focus on the days and weeks that go by, and not much usually changes in a day or week. But take a step back and look at the years and see that life does evolve quite dramatically.

So think, that getting from where you are now, to where you will be in a few years can be a lot more exciting and different than you can imagine, if you're prepared to take the risks that will get you there.

Taking the risk to quit my Australian life and board a plane to Europe took me on a different path. Sometimes it's less extreme than that and may be just meeting a person, who motivates you to change.

Whatever it is, the future is a great big open field of opportunity.

The Value of Time

I had a long dicussion with my wife today centred around how we spend our time. Initially it was a discussion about whether or not we would accept an invitation to a party in Edmonton, where we would know very few of the people and have little time to spend with the hosts. In my mind, the point is to see our friends, as we only go to Edmonton six to eight times a year, so we try to make the most of each visit. The alternative option is to go up two weeks later and spend an evening with the people hosting the party.

Why this became an interesting conversation is becasue it uncovered that we place very different values on our time. Just like when we were in Australia everyone was talking about how precious fresh water as, just as we would talk about gold or a precious metal. But its scarcity in Australia makes it very valuable.

I place a very high value on my time. It's the only non-renewable resource. As a full-time employee I donate forty hours per week to my employer, a neccessity at the moment to pay our bills. The rest of my time I try to make the most of. I don't waste time with people who don't appreciate it, and I am continually trying to improve myself and my life with the discretionary time I have, and actively enjoy myself. Therefore I read, paint, exercise, socialize, write, mediatate, travel etc when I'm not parenting, cooking, eating, sleeping etc. We live in the inner city which keeps my commute under five minutes each way. I watch very little television (one or two hours a week) and I actively schedule my time to make the most of it.

As I re-read this I think it sounds anal, but how's this for perspective...

The average Canadian watches television for 21.4 hours per week (source Stats Canada) for... say seventy-five years, that's 9 years and 193 days wasted.

The average commute is in the ballpark of one hour in total (thirty minutes each way), five days a week for fifty weeks a year for forty years, that's 10,000 hours or 1 year and 51 days.

So, buy not watching television and living close to work, my effective life expectancy is almost eleven years longer than the average Canadian.

So, on average, buy how many years will smoking lower your life expectancy? A fifty-year study completed in 2004 by BUPA's Health Information Team in the U.K. stated that smoking cuts life expectancy by 10 years.

Can we therefore conclude that smoking is about as healthy as watching television? We should all pray for those who smoke and watch television, especially the ones who smoke while watching television!

There are many ways time can be spent... or wasted, depending on your perspective. But it's important to remember that once the time is spent it cannot be regained. Take the perspective of my grandfather, an old man dying of lung cancer. He only sees that there's isn't enough time to do everything he wants to. His only regret in life is that he smoked for thirty years, which has both made his life shorter, and the last five years more challenging to live, given his declining health.

It's important that we not only respect our own time, but even more importantly, the time of others. It is only by being active in the time we have that we can accomplish and grow.

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book" - Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

You Only Have Everything To Lose

You're probably wondering what do I mean when I say "You only have everything to lose" and what am I referring to?

I'm referring to your life. You only have everything to lose if you don't live a fulfilling life. Imagine for a minute that you're very old and close to death. You're looking back on a life of eighty-plus years and what do you see?... Missed opportunities, failures, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, hatred, regrets? A desire for more time to do some of those projects you had always wanted to do? Or do you see a life full of accomplishments, successes, love, incredible experiences, satisfaction and completion? Does your heart grow warm with the fondness of memories or cold with regret?

You've just imagined looking back on a life that maybe twenty or fifty years longer than you've currently lived, and there's plenty of time to get stuff done, but now imagine that you've been told you'll die tomorrow. Look back on your current life and see how you feel. Maybe more regrets and more missed opportunities, maybe not as many incredible experiences as you'd have hoped for.

So what can be done about it? The answer is everything. This life is all we have. You can look around at all the possessions you "own", but they're all only on lease, because you give them back when you die. Your life is what matters. How you feel, the joy, the happiness, the feeling of growth and excitement are what you'll keep forever.

I often hear people say that they will begin a certain (fun) project when something's complete, for example, "I'll take that painting class after I've bought my new house." or "I'll go to Mexico after I've lost 10 pounds." These may not be the greatest examples, but you get the idea.

The worst kind of procrastination is to put off the feeling of self-worth. I'll be happy when I have a new job. I'll be happy when I lose ten pounds. I'll be happy when I'm in Mexico. What happens when you reach these milestones and you're still not happy? You set new milestones and by the time you're eighty, you still have milestones that are not yet reached... and then you die... unhappy.

You can decide to be happy today. Sure there are goals that you want to reach and experiences you want to have, but your happiness need not hinge on the completion or not of these goals.

I constantly remind myself that today is a great day to be alive. That I'm thankful for today and all the wonderful things I have today. I realize that I am indeed very lucky today and everyday and I am thankful for all the little details - a butterfly, a kind gesture, a smile, thanks, my daughter laughing - that make it great. That's what makes me happy, even when everything doesn't go to plan.

It's important to live today and enjoy today. Make the most of the time you have, this time... now. Putting everything off for a future date does not ensure it gets done. It doesn't ensuyre a life full of rich experiences. Doing it today, does. Why not do it today? What do you have to lose other than everything?